THE NEWS

Satellite Searches Could Spot Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster

Benjamin RadfordLiveScience's Bad Science Columnist

I have Britney's panties!
Adventurer Steve Fossett went missing Sept. 3 about 70 miles southeast of Reno, Nevada, in a small plane. He left no flight plan, and searchers have combed tens of thousands of square miles of Nevada and California. After weeks of fruitless searches, and with the survival window closing, Web users were enlisted to help in Fossett's rescue, from the comfort of their own homes. Using a program called Mechanical Turk, high-resolution satellite imagery of the search area was collected and analyzed. Participants were shown a single satellite image and asked to note any objects or wreckage that could be a plane or its debris. The search did solve a few mysteries: several previously unknown small plane wrecks—some dating back to the 1950s—were found. Though Fossett and his plane remain missing, the satellite technology used to search for him could theoretically be applied to other types of searches. It may finally verify the existence of large, mysterious creatures reputed to inhabit the globe. Unknown animals such as Bigfoot and the Loch Ness monster, for example, might be easily located and captured—if indeed they exist.

All fine and dandy. How about using the technology to find Osama Bin Laden, Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earhardt, an alternative fuel source, Waldo, world peace, George Bush's eternally damned conscience, the missing ozone, all the socks that have mysteriously vanished into the Drier Zone, my damned paycheck and Britney's panties.

Gabriele Pauli

Glamorous Bavarian wants law to allow 7-year itch

By Madeline ChambersFri Sep 21, 3:55 AM ET

ACH SCHTUUPP!!!
Bavaria's most glamorous politician -- a flame-haired motorcyclist who helped bring down state premier Edmund Stoiber -- has shocked the Catholic state in Germany by suggesting marriage should last just 7 years.
Gabriele Pauli, who poses on her web site in motorcycle leathers, is standing for the leadership of Bavaria's Christian Social Union (CSU) -- sister party of Chancellor Angela Merkel's conservative Christian Democrats (CDU) -- in a vote next week.
She told reporters at the launch of her campaign manifesto Wednesday she wanted marriage to expire after seven years and accused the CSU, which promotes traditional family values, of nurturing ideals of marriage which are wide of the mark.
"The basic approach is wrong ... many marriages last just because people believe they are safe," she told reporters. "My suggestion is that marriages expire after seven years."
After that time, couples should either agree to extend their marriage or it should be automatically dissolved, she said.
Fifty-year-old Pauli, twice divorced, is a maverick intent on shaking up her male-dominated and mainly Catholic party which has dominated Bavarian politics since World War Two.

She will be mine, but I will be lucky just to watch her have sex with her next 3 husbands, I still got 21 years or so.....

The NFL, Tony Romo and Fantasy Football

by me

ARE YA READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?

FUCK NIKE!

How about some dogfighting, racketeering, D.U.I., conspiracy to murder, rampant steroid usage, spousal abuse, manslaughter, aggravated assault, rape, criminal mischief, gambling, drug abuse, and other criminal acts too numerous and heinous to discuss in a public forum. And DO NOT FORGET, "Making it rain." I am sure that I have missed about 37 other numerous felonious acts that have occurred just on Cincinatti's team alone in the last 5 years.

In a world that goes through the drudgery of merely existing with work, marriage, work, family, work, sleep, work, misey, and miniscule particles of joy and happiness sprinkled on our crap pile that we call life is a mangame called football.

We eat, shit and breathe it's essence and revel in it's glory. And we are also repulsed by how a few select athlete's, granted a rare gift of speed and talent and pue luck, can become instant millionaires and achieve a celebrity status of God-like proportions.

Let's just hope that in the future, these few lucky souls can learn to appreciate the rare oppurtunity they have like the other 98 percent of the players in the N.F.L.

HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?

Jerry "skeletor" Jones bought the Dallas Cowboys for 140 million dollars back in 1989 and turned the franchise into a 1.5 billion dollar investment, and the N.F.L. has grown exponentially in turn. The largest sporting event annually will be the Super Bowl, so I assume it is ok for some N.F.L. athlete's to run over pitbull's that they are feeding their knocked up girlfreind's and ex-wives to while making steroids rain down on their piles of marijuana.

It is probably in their contract, by god.

Tony Romo and Fantasy Football

I got this theory that was discovered in a drunken slobbering state of complete stupidity one night while watching Deal or no Deal on N.B.C.

ROMO

I equated Tony Romo's success directly to a fantasy encounter with the 26 lovely ladies that wield the briefcases in the T.V. game show Deal or no Deal.

OK, let's do it by the numbers.

ROMO'S STATS:

As of week 4,

Passing-860 yards, 8 td's, 2 int.

Rushing-47 yards, 1 td

Fan Points-73

LEYLA

Leyla has eluded him by stealth and physical prowess, but Romo has nailed 9 of these briefcase slinging hotties by execution and timing, and her turn is coming. John Madden is sweating in his Horse Trailor stomping tubes of Tinactin and eating turkey legs frantically telestrating himself to a state of foaming-at-the-mouth ecstacy over the resounding looping "BOOM" bursts that are synchronized to tapes of Romo throwing and the Lovely Ladies opening their breifcases.

It's mine and Madden's fantasy, dammit!